Round and Round, and Some Accountability

Right now my brain won’t let this idea drop so I can sleep, so I’m writing it out so I can sleep. Trust me, you want me to sleep. I am not a happy camper without it.  So here we go.

I read a lot of the posts about body image, body shaming, and what have you and I get it. I really do. I am not a small person, and I’ve accepted the fact that I never will be. Jes over at The Militant Baker has written article, after article about a lot of things that hit home for me. And I get that a lot of what’s in my brain really is a lot of things society, people, the media and what have you have smashed into my brain over the years.

hs-skinnyExcept I have some annoying mental image of myself, let’s call it a RSI for all of you Matrix kids out there, that isn’t what I look like today. In fact, it’s probably closest to a picture of myself when I was in high school. When I thought I was fat. Let me tell you, I am not a small framed person. I am 5’8″, I wear a size 11 women’s shoe, and have shoulders like a linebacker. In this picture, I am maybe 16 or 17ish, 165ish pounds and I am a size 14. If I was much skinnier, I would be skeletal and terrifying. Yet I had my mother telling me I should lose weight, one of her friends tried to put me on a diet, and even the idiots who would get off at the same bus stop as me would say lovely things like, “She has great calves, but she needs to work on those thighs.”

If I had even an iota of the backbone I have today I would probably have to deliver them all a resounding Go Fuck Yourself. But I didn’t, and I believed them. I thought I was fat, I was unworthy of attention or praise or love. I just went on living my life happy for people who would pay attention to me at all.

What I hadn’t realized at this point was that I was fine. I was beautiful. I shouldn’t have listened to a damned thing any of them had told me. But I didn’t. For a while, I stayed looking like this by proxy of what I’m calling passive exercising. I would walk a mile to the bus stop. I’d walk all over the school lugging books to classes. I’d have gym class in school 2 or 3 days a week. I’d walk home. In college I’d have to do much of the same, walking everywhere, up and down hills and stairs, so I never really had to think about doing things like watching my weight and making sure I exercised. I was passively doing it every day just living my normal life.

Not realizing this was my downfall.

me-2009I moved off campus so I walked less. I had deaths in the family, and ate mindlessly, sometimes even forgetting I had eaten. I got a job where I could work from home, and all of this added up to my weight going through the roof. To be fair, I hate having my picture taken, because of above mental conditioning that I was ugly. This meant that I didn’t really notice my weight gain until I’d graduated college and went out to Boston to my first job. They did a group picture of everyone on the team. And I goggled at myself. I looked like I was wearing a tent and I was huge.

This on top of being laid off shortly thereafter sent me into a depression spiral so bad, I basically became a hermit. I started playing Anarchy Online at all hours for six months straight. Eventually, I did find another job, and decided that I was tired of my pity party, and put myself on Weight Watchers for the first time. Primarily I did this because my father had five or six heart attacks by the time he was 35, so I didn’t want to tempt fate.

And it worked. Oh, did it work. I lost 50 pounds! But I also had a really physical job where I was racking and unracking 50 to 75 pound servers, moving them between data centers, going all over the office to get answers to things, and generally just moving more. Again, passive exercise. Eventually I just drifted off of the Weight Watchers plan. I guess I thought I was done and didn’t need any more help. I don’t know, to be honest.

I was playing video games still, even DJing for Radio Free Zion for The Matrix Online, and I had lost all that weight!  Except I started noticing that my pants didn’t fit quite right any more.

I moved in with a new roommate who decided to do Weight Watchers, so I hopped on the bandwagon again. And dropped the 15 pounds I’d regained. I wasn’t back at high school weight, but it was something.

Then I was laid off yet again just after moving. And of course that lead me to being depressed again. It was the cycle of weight gain back for round three.  City of Villains, World of Warcraft and I regained 30 pounds. But screw you I was the number three raiding guild on the server!

And I was miserable. I was tired all the time. I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. That post by Allie Brosh over at Hyperbole and A Half? The total truth. That’s what everything was for me. I’m sure I was a joy to be around. It spiraled so far out of control my friends basically asked me to function again. So I sighed, and did it. Because people expected it of me, really, no other reason. The folks I was living with started doing Weight Watchers, so I joined in the fun for round three.

I dug myself out of the financial hole I made. I fixed things, except not myself. Because I am ugly and don’t need fixing, what difference would it make?

me-2008At some point three jobs later, I started having headaches constantly, and was prescribed Topamax. Let me tell you about Topamax. It made my hands shake, my feet numb, and screwed with my taste buds. Pretty much anything carbonated tasted like crap. I dropped 30 pounds. But due to aforementioned bad side effects, I had to stop taking it, and I regained it again. Really this 30 pounds and I don’t like each other very much, but we just keep hanging out. Dick.

Let’s cut to the chase here. At this point, I can no longer really tell when I’m full or if I’m hungry. It’s just broken in my brain. I am forgetful, and don’t remember if I’ve eaten, so I eat just to make sure I don’t pass out. Food and I aren’t friends really.

Eventually at the end of last year, something in my brain just snapped to while reading Jes’ blog. She posts pictures of women that I probably would’ve never seen elsewhere, and I realized there are people that look just like me, and they’re rocking it. I realized it was perfectly ok for me to stay the way I was, and I was still awesome.

But there’s still this RSI in my head, and the nagging voice in my head that keeps prattling on about heart attacks and diabetes as well as other medical issues. I decided that I liked mental peace and quiet, and after reading some Nerd Fitness I’ve started small.

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Old Lady Vs Mailbox Vs Tree

IMG_1232 Alas poor mailbox, I knew you… ah whatever. It was ugly.

This woman, who’s probably in her 60s, was turning onto the road at the same time someone was turning left onto the road she was on. Apparently she thought they were going to hit her, freaked out, and instead of hitting the brake, she hit the gas. Through the mailbox. Across the yard.


Some of those tracks are from the tow truck to be fair.


She finally ended up in my rhododendron at the corner of my house. I honestly thought she hit the house for a bit. The thing did need pruning, but I think she went too far here.



On the plus side, she didn’t hit the house itself. On the minus side, now I have to deal with her insurance.

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House Hunting

I’ve been spending most of my weekends and some of my days house hunting. It’s not been very fruitful unfortunately.  Here’s an album that contains what places I’ve looked at.  I’ll add some snarky comments later when I’m not about to go out looking at open houses again. 😉

[album id=1 template=compact]

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All Good Things

Besides being an episode title for arguably one of the better endings for a TV series, STTNG nerds represent, this came to mind today while I was having coffee. I found out recently that a few of the k-cup varieties that I enjoy have been discontinued. Timothy’s apparently is no longer distributing in the United States and Gloria Jean’s has discontinued making the Swiss Chocolate Almond k-cups.

A moment of silence for some of my favorite caffeine which I can’t get any more.

I’d pour out 40 ounces of coffee, but that’s caffeine abuse.

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Ordering Shouldn’t Be This Hard…

I am a consumer whore ... And How!Yesterday, I decided to continue my voyage into consumer whoredom and buy a new laptop so I could tell the world that I am a raging nerd and play whatever game I’m addicted to currently while traveling. I initially started this voyage by buying a new 55″ plasma television for a pretty low price, enabling me to get rid of the dinosauric 32″ CRT still in my bedroom, but I digress. This is about the laptop. Sort of.

I placed the order, and thought much like other internet purchases, since I had my email confirmation including the laptop, things would arrive from the magical UPS fairy later. I was so very wrong.

I got the confirmation for two random accessories I had tacked onto the order, but no laptop. I thought that just meant they were shipping from different facilities and shrugged it off. Then a couple hours later I got an email that said “the laptop you tried to order was no longer in stock. Sorry, but we’ll keep sending you the accessories.” Now, call me crazy, but why the hell would I want accessories for a laptop I am no longer getting? That’s just… insane.

This prompted me to call Dell, explicitly to tell them I don’t want accessories for a laptop that I was no longer going to be getting. The first person I reached on the phone seemed perplexed by such a statement, I mean who wouldn’t want random crap they have no use for right? She then proceeded to argue with me that there was no laptop on my order. I let her know that she was probably right at this point, because I have an email telling me that the laptop is no longer available. This started her arguing with me again, until I pointed out I wouldn’t order accessories for something I didn’t own. Perplexed, I got transfer number one to Customer Support.

This gentlemen also seemed confused as to why I wasn’t happy I was getting my laptop-free accessories. I kinda lost it a bit when he was going on about which ones had shipped, and ended up yelling “NO.” until he stopped talking. I explained the situation to him, at which point he sent me over to the sales department for transfer number two.

This guy spoke English as a first language, although with his heavy accent, the Indian support people were more understandable. After I finally got it through his thick skull that I didn’t want the random crap without an actual laptop, he decided to manually put in an order for a laptop for me, over the phone. It’s rather sad that I had to result to a phone call to get the item I wanted within the time frame I wanted because Dell’s online sales system failed so hard.

I hear you asking why I needed a new laptop in such a specifically short time frame, and why I thought I could pull that off around Christmas?  I leave you with this as an answer.

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